he wants to teach her to drive. And some of that happens by making fun of your child. Get out the frying pan. They had all sorts of questions about those eras of American history, and we watched a couple of documentaries, and then I get my kids coming in and going, Hey, there was a thing on The History Channel this weekend about Salem, and I made my dad watch it! And then in American history, they were studying colonial America just after we read it, and so I get the history teachers going, Holy shit, thank you! Its no crime to roll your eyes at Buffy. Being My Husbands Caregiver is Exhausting. We still dont have a great relationship, mostly because he is an authoritarian asshole in a lot of other ways, but if he wasnt such a bully and tried to meet my sister and I halfway, we probably wouldnt hate him as much as we do. Encouraging both of them to try more and be respectful would be a good start. **Disclaimer, I am a HUGE fan of the Original Star Wars films and even buy toys from those films when I am depressed which means I have an ALARMINGLY large collection. I guess all dads watch that Wow, you just brought back memories! I get that maybe he feels like an alien within you & daughters girl bubble, but the way to fix that is not to strong-arm her into liking National Geographic. Well I disagree with the context, but not the actual content, of this advice. Again, no. But I wouldnt have done any of those things if my parents let me do what I wanted whenever I wanted. Youre right, though. It is best to talk with a counselor or therapist if you believe there is serious dysfunction in your marriage. Yeah, the letter makes me really concerned for their marriage. My ex-husband had custody for 6 1/2 years. The dad cant have it both ways being rude while demanding respect and attention. At a certain point isnt parenting about teaching your children to be healthy, functioning adults not just robots who do what they are told? Theres nothing wrong with mindless pop culture, imo, so long as its balanced with things opposite that. Asking her to read a National Geographic article is hardly onerous. This results in a reflexive coping mechanism that severely restricts their hopes and desires in life. WWS. doesnt mean that the Dad is 100% correct in ramming his opinions down his daughters throat. Cant even describe how much I hate hate hate them!! If he simply refuses to see that there is a problem and you continue to feel miserable, I suggest you consider talking things through with a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk). (This led me to be labeled as the quitter.) Or, find the show about the science of Star Trek. I think you should also look at your marriage, because in my observation, the us vs. them thing often stems from problems between the husband and wife, which drives one of them to try to make their child an ally, whether its just to have a friend or as a way to outnumber the other person. if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,100],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3','ezslot_14',135,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-3-0');Here are some things you can do: Its not always easy to find the right balance between your spouse and your child, but it is possible. 6napkinburger July 2, 2013, 2:33 pm. If one of them moves over 100 miles away, then the arrangement changes to each meeting half way. July 2, 2013, 4:19 pm. bitter_straight_lets_be_honest and your journey to the darkside shall be complete, lets_be_honest To this day we have a great relationship, and now Im able to make the same efforts for him. Hopefully, when he sees that it's his entire family that is worried, he'll see that change is needed. Your email address will not be published. Are they harboring some passive/aggressive need to prove that love wont last and unconsciously sabotaging every chance that it could? You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. Let them know that, in your eyes, they are precious and beautiful beyond . Though of course, there are ways to encourage a daughter to experience some parts of being a teenage girl which also are good (like trying to get them to go to at least one sporting event in high school if they have someone to go with, trying to get them to ask one person out on a date, to invite one person over to hang out, etc.) Additionally, she may worry that a new man in your life will try to take his place and replace him entirely. My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. 15 Mother-In-Law Behaviors That Deserve a Punch in the Face - Scary Mommy Its awesome to have your children engaged in the world (government, politics, history, etc). Youre bonding with your daughter at the expense of the relationship with your husband. . bittergaymark He let us put makeup on him. So, I have actually always been closer with my dad to be honest. Middle schoolers and initially, I tried to explain the history of the Salem witch trials as well as McCarthyism before we read the play. 1. This year I took her to the Botanical Gardens not my first choice of activities, but it was a nice day and the gardens are pretty. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. Things like going for ice cream. Not for a minute did I think she was missing out on anything because of not having a dad, as she had my dad and my brother to fill those fatherly roles. "So last night, I did everything exactly the same way, but it was a disaster. Why are we judging other peoples interests? Not talking on cell phones, thats where. The letter says the daughter cant watch what she is interested in when he is around. What kind of history and science is your husband into? Asshole My son had his wedding days ago. A highly critical parent or parents, resulting in a high sensitivity to being judged on performance. I wonder, though, if it would seem less like forcing if maybe the mother and father both liked to camp? Its not rocket science. is the crux of your real issues here. My husband is an OK-ish dad when he does spend time with Petunia, but I think he is very happy with his bachelorlike life, since I basically serve as a full-time cleaning lady and chef, and I. a truly horrible driver. My dream is to just have a commune where all my family lives together , honeybeenicki New readers, welcome to Dear Wendy, a relationship advice blog. It struck me the wrong way, too. I wish Id been closer to my mother growing up, but now that Im almost 30, were as close as can be, so maybe itll just take a few years. Give up some of your precious one-on-one time with your daughter so that your husband can take her hiking or camping or to a science museum. Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. WWS, and YOU need to stop pulling away from your husband, because he doesnt have the same interests as your daughter. Dad thinks Im stupid. Dad thinks Im not good enough.. July 2, 2013, 4:06 pm. Um, not so much. The idea that you want your husband to now turn into what YOU probably secretly have always wanted him to be a fellow fanboy! Here are some signs that your father had narcissistic tendencies or was an outright narcissist. But in college I fell in love with art history and now I actually take days off work to go visit art museums! It sounds like your husband feels really left out and is more just reacting than being proactive about changing things. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. But yes, to all of it. So as not to be hurt again, they simply avoid situations where they think they will need to expose their feelings or emotions. You can look at him as a mean bully, like you do, or an involved father who is trying to raise a well rounded child. July 2, 2013, 1:27 pm. I think it would seem less like forcing if he wasnt being a dictator about other things I mean maybe if she could listen to her music or a Harry Potter book on tape in the car on the way camping the daughter would be in a better mood , Marjoralynnia Is it forcing or is it parenting? July 2, 2013, 12:02 pm. My grandparents have a VHS of her wishing my cousin and I happy birthday. "My Husband's Pushing My Daughter Away" - Dear Wendy You didnt cause the problem, and you cant fix it. He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. Hes trying to be a parent to her and teach her what he thinks is important for her to know, while I am trying to encourage her to develop her own interests and do what she loves. The episode where Picard experiences an entire lifetime with a wife, children, grandchildren etc. FWIW, I didnt get that vibe either, Fabelle. One of the strangest experiences of my life was attending a Sci-Fi convention with her on a lark where we learned she is on a Franklin Mint plate!! One thing that works is to invite a friend along because then she looks forward to the activity and has fun and at the same time she is still interacting with parents. My brother did not. TV Review: Hitler diaries show fake news didn't begin with the internet, Notorious prisoner Charles Bronson to face public parole hearing, Big Issue seller numbers up due to cost-of-living pressures, says founder, Watch for the April 5 investment tax change, Preparing for a future sale of your business, Tom Allen is Completely committed to comedy and 'Auntie Glo', Weekend Q&A: ran Clarke from NI Opera's Nobody/Somebody, Mary Kelly: Unionists' tendency to turn a gift horse into a tin of dogmeat is legendary - and their Westminster chums are getting fed-up with it. Theres alot wrong going on here, the parents should definitely get counseling to learn better communication and parenting skills. At a certain point you just have to laugh at all the differences and enjoy the fact that the other person is having a good time! One teenager in the house is bad enough But TWO must be exhausting. Shes doing archery and piano, Id say thats enriching. I generally agree with Wendy, but would add that LW should talk to her husband about the critical view hes taking of his daughters hobbies, the escalating fights between him and the daughter and his way of interrupting conversations between LW and her daughter that annoy him. I always hated fishing growing up, but it meant that I got to spend time with my dad, so I went. My mom and I were not friends like this, and she let my dads bullying escalate to keep the peace. My daughter and I are a lot like you and yours. I had the same experience at college! I feel like Im in a relationship with two people, one who really loves me and his evil twin who emerges without warning or reason.. Visitation Pick Up/drop off issueEx-husband Moved 45 Minutes Away 1. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It - Scary Mommy If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. Your daughter may feel like you deserve to be happy and, as a result, may want you to leave your husband if hes not making you happy. Dream! Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. Im not saying that to excuse the dads behavior if hes being mean, but if the LW truly wants to do the best thing for her daughter, she needs to do something that 1) Doesnt encourage her daughter to dislike her dad and 2) Actually makes him stop being mean, because what shes doing now clearly isnt working. Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. He leaves at 5:00 a.m. every morning to support me and our children. And since she loves you both, it can be tough for her to see you stay in a situation that makes you both so miserable. I felt like he was listening, he felt like he was involved.. I was just trying to illustrate (like Wendy did) to the LW that it can be amazing when a father with very different interests introduces a kid to something they may not otherwise have been introduced to, even forcefully to a degree. lets_be_honest Sorry but I dont understand why you married him. I know, Buffy was the weakest link in Buffy (is that irony?). When combined with the eye rolling and disparaging, that all adds up to he isnt joking about it. So insightful! Our 17-year-old son is still at home but can't wait to leave to get away from the constant friction and ill-feeling around the house. I just happened to end up having a pretty great kid, and a pretty great guy. Heck, I even had a stringer attached to my waders. Ive been following you for years and while I dont always agree with your answers I think this was the most misguided and off the mark. She grabs every opportunity to be near him but won't actually tell him how she feels. You just have to learn to ignore that. She along with his son & ex wife all live 3000 miles away. "Caught between husband and daughter" - Click painted_lady I agree, of course people can be smart and informed and still like other stuff too. Ross was telling me the other day that his dad took him deep sea fishing a couple times when he was younger. He probably reached Buffy overload YEARS ago and now here it is every morning at the breakfast table. Frankly, her interests sound pretty varied to me for 12: reading, pop culture, sci-fi, archery, piano and Broadway. Im sure its frustrating for him, I just think hes reacting in a jerk-ish way. How to Convince a Senior to Stop Driving. bittergaymark Im from PA, and I watched entirely too much This Old House as a child. I wanted to make a point about the use of the word uninformed. I agree with Wendy here. I remember how happy my dad was to spend time with me and to share something with me that he was so passionate about. Youre caught between two people you love, and you have to figure out how to keep the peace. If youre not sure how to establish or improve your bond with your daughter, here are five tips: In conclusion, it is evident that a daughter needs her fathers guidance and support, especially during her teenage years. I even managed to convince him to watch Firefly (he loves Jayne. Their mind is broken, causing them to seriously overestimate their driving abilities. Thanks temp! I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. One of these people is an adult and one of these people is twelve. And theyre relationship suffered because my dad never made an effort to step up and show interest in what he was interested in. This kind of self-awareness is never easy, and it is likely that he may need some professional help to overcome whatever it is that prevents him from opening up with those closest to him. To me, those things just come along with being part of a family. Heck, where would we be without Star Trek? Its already happening. If she likes Star Trek and Firefly and he likes science they might both like going to a science museum. I went to on a three week roadtrip with her last spring (LA to New Orleans) a year ago in January And then we went to Bali for two weeks. EL ESPIRITU DETRAS DE LA PUERTA - Facebook The wife should be supportive of his efforts, but he needs to act like a grown man and stop being so selfish. Before reading Wendys answer you and your daughter sound awesome! No. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. Particularly this, Help her see the best side of her dad, even if hes sometimes making it difficult. Look, Im sorry, but your hand here is rather plainly seen. Wow, Im glad Im not the only one whose beliefs on the cosmos/humanity have been influenced by Star Trek. As you agree, there needs to be a balance and it sounds like Dad is the only one whose realized that. But it can get super boring waiting for that to happen. The problem is that instead of at least tolerating her fangirling, my husband tends to disparage it, and roll his eyes. I still find it hysterical that they incorporated a rivalry between Tim and Bob Vila in that show. Help her get excited about the real science and history behind the fiction she enjoys. I actually had the opposite relationship growing up. Nope, not from Scranton. bittergaymark Oh, This Old House. Your email address will not be published. We think theyre awesome. It was infuriating. Why is my husband driving my daughter away?. Sure, he dragged me out on hikes that I hated, and I was a brat and pain during many of them. No, it may not be the precise thing hes interested in, but you cant just share an interest with someone by demanding it. He came home and threw his briefcase on the ground. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. Instead, hes insisting on discussing National Geographic articles via reading assignments then criticizes her afterword in escalating arguments. Perhaps the suggestion of planning an event night or game night type of thing where each family member gets to plan one a week? You will learn from all of them. July 2, 2013, 12:31 pm, Happy birthday to your mom! However, its wife that wrote in. And relinquish some of your time with her so that your husband can have a chance to nurture his own relationship with her.