Thank you!!! Its great that you can come!. It took a long time to figure out that I could just cheerfully respond, Why do you ask? In a friendly middle-class-lady voice, (almost as if I hope they are going to tell me something wonderful!). I am a Guess person, and that is not going to change (and I often feel annoyed at people who seem to think that it shouldmy brain wiring is okay, too! Its only a trap when the same people use it repeatedly to rope you in to doing something you would otherwise be able to avoid gracefully. And they come up organicallyI dont invent them just to make her jump through hoops. (My brother and sister in particular also had to learn from both their friends and myself that, just because they love me and love them doesnt mean that were all friends) I could only imagine if that question were followed by an expectation of service or freedom to assume I was going to a thing. Five Questions You Can Ask Instead Of 'How Are You?' - Forbes This business of hanging on to parental authority as a form of rent, however, has already damaged your relationship, from what youre saying. People who act like or claim that it is impolite are exhibiting the things I dont like must be rude/mean fallacy. Everyone knows most people mean it well, its small talk, etc but these things ARE not nice to be the receiver of. Good, the colors on the leaves are amazing (in Fall) If I were any better, I'd be you. A: I'm planning to just take it easy. As in, What are you doing? is another way of asking What are your hobbies?. If someone asks me the question, I am happy, because that means they are probably inviting me somewhere. Like oh youd rather do nothing at all than do this activity with me, wow., I wish I had better boundaries around that. With colleagues especially, Im not looking to hang out just looking to connect on something, find out what they like about, get to know them better. Its not even really pushback. As for rentpart of my problem with that is: I would never, ever rent a room to a non-family member. I like to piss her off so Im honest with her. "When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark." 2. Again with the caveat that you have to tell the person whom youve used as an excuse that youve done so! I thought why do you ask? meant you are being nosy. Me? It can still get extremely wearing through, and I do wish people would think more about when this conversation is appropriate and when Im maybe not up for answering a litany of questions that literally every stranger asks me (ie when Im obviously exhausted and struggling with four bags of groceries that I have to cart away on foot). Setting a timer or alarms. The first time I posted a little comment showed up saying that my comment was pending mod review since it was my first comment but I dont see one of those now. Also, Ive had dozens of this same conversation and witnessed hundreds more: [person comes up to their friend] K- keep a distance from work. I want collaborators, not pupils. They are asking whether you want to go on a date with them on Thursday. I chitchat with cashiers so its totally fine to say something like, Ah, gosh, so crazy today I got a flat tire and Im just grabbing something easy for dinner. In other words if you have the time and energy to construct a lowkey, mildly entertaining story then go for it, otherwise just stick with Great, how are you? and you can let the conversation drop from there. etc. ), its pure formula. Nothing obviously inappropriate has happened, I dont think I need to talk to his supervisor (I dont want him fired, it would just be nice if hed back off on his own, but IDK if that will happen, or maybe he will transfer or change hours (I thought he had for a few months last year when I did not see him at all)). LW, this struck me as a pretty extreme response. Im lucky because any plans for the weekend? questions are just small talk (i.e. Sometimes I deal with anxiety all weekend and its hard not to judge myself for that. Oh my goodness I didnt even realize this was posted and then it took awhile for me to read through all of the responses. Yup. Thursday is awful for me rushing all day invites the questioner to drop the topic, and Nothing, how about you invites the questioner to ask you to the fun thing. I understand that theyre just trying to be friendly and make small talk but it still feels invasive. I also think that most of the people I hang out with get this, and with the exception of more formal plans, would agree. I was surprised what a relief it was to move to a completely different part of the country where I at least have the option of blending in. If theyre just curious, they can say so, if they want to invite you to something, it gives them the chance, and if you feel like engaging further, you can. Getting up before 10:30 drinking some more beer and starting to work on my truck/dirt bike this should consume your whole Saturday until about 10:00 then you drink lots of beer and head out with your buds. In the UK I think some places greet each other with all right? all right? and nobody blinks an eye. But then she would ask me to babysit her toddler. "Thanks, it was a chance to relax and I am grateful for that.". I really enjoyed my years living in the American South, but I realized the day would never come when I wouldnt be seen as an outsider. You'll Get Eaten Last. I get that. have a Canadian accent that some USians pick up, and I dont mind if people ask if Im Canadian). Silly Friend: do you want to do (thing)? Lets do it.). I like why do you ask? as a pre-programmed autoresponse, because it leaves room for them to stay, just wondering if you have fun plans, or making conversation.. 9 Funny Tinder Messages That Work Like Magic (2023) - VIDA Select I can ask them on Monday how it was. Whereas a lot of us see the advantages, like the precision you noticed, to some form of rapid written communication that wasnt around decades ago. That way, he proudly announced, he never owed them a favor in return. If the answer is miserable but I dont want to get into it right now, fine-thanks still works. As long as I sound friendly, folks who have no ulterior motive take it at face value, and the ones who are being invasively nosy, or hoping to trick me into something, are taken aback and sometimes given subtle notice that I will set boundaries Dont ask each of us the same question. And then deflect back on to them. There are at least two distinct why do you ask? which are sadly distinguished only by tone. Sometimes my kids and I need that to be family time, so were going to block that out going forward., one of those people who force you to be blunt., Indeed, do say to her: Im going to ask you guys to walk to school on your own; trying to coordinate with your family is simply too much stress for us. Or only if you consider it important? Me: Nope. No, just running some errands. If you want to invite them, INVITE. But in the age of smart phones I also find Im going to have to check my email before I say yes to that, so let me get back to you helpful. And so if it happens to me, I wind up agreeing to the thing even if maybe I normally wouldnt have, because now I have no valid excuse for declining. You went out and you didnt even invite me? he said, Well I asked you if you had plans and you said you were doing homework! Well yeah, because I had no other plans at that time because you did not indicate to me that there were any other options! 18. The week after is all good. k. Yes, I think theres a fairly clear difference between people who ask as small talk (for example, when youre both waiting for the microwave in the staffroom, or waiting at the bus stop after work) and when its done how LW specifies. Dont for a second feel guilty about judging a nosy male as no good if they ask nosy questions and show any sign of caring if you dont answer. Hey, Reddit, how was your weekend? : r/funny Like now? I was hoping you would be able to tell me that. parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, I am the parent of an adult child who is living at home, and I have been training myself since her teenhood to say, I would like to claim some of your time this weekend or I would like to ask a favor for this weekend, if youre available. or would you help me with X instead of are you busy? (OK, sometimes Ill say, Are you busy? 65+ Funny Responses to Everyday Questions! - Self Development Journey Youve made such a long-term investment in your child already why put the future relationship at such risk? ! OH ME TOO. They dont ask if you want to do the thing and then you are able to tell them (and if you were busy, youd probably mention that when declining). Once upon a time I had a friend. I dont remember why anymore but at some point I agreed to share my google calendar with this friend. I think the idea at first was to make it easier to plan hangouts. Kind of a random revelation after reading everyones advice and responses: I think this is up for me right now because Im new to the online dating world and, because of my past experience with my family, I am having a hard time telling if the question is of the innocuous kind (like when co-workers ask my plans for the weekend), a soft opening to trying to ask me out, or the kind of manipulation that Ive, for better or for worse, learned to be on alert for. You: Yeah, we should. Im white and an immigrant in the country where I live. You can begin with, "I hope this email finds you well," which has the same meaning as "Hope you are doing well". For example, Looking forward to the weekend? or I hope you get to relax this weekend.; My take is that if they wish to continue the conversation, they will do so, but if not, they can reply with a Yes/No. I have other plans. But if you just asked me if I have plans and I just admitted that I dont, then yeah, it can look pretty rude or hurtful if you invite me to something and I have to decline. I love this response: not sure what Ill be in the mood for. What sounds good on Wednesday is not always what I want to do on Saturday. They know this. its BANK HOLIDAY?. They need to stop it. Maybe you have a mountain of laundry and it takes the whole weekend, or you are just doing the laundry inbetween other activities. Wondering why you're in here. But, in the long run, in my life, I think the conflict over emotional labor and fair division of chores, while sometimes painful and frustrating, was something we were able to move past when I moved out because I never felt unsafe. It gets exhausting dealing with Got any plans this weekend? starting on Wednesday and then What did you do this weekend? again on Monday. She can of course say, Im taking some mental-health time, and live with whatever fallout from being an unhelpful family member. That way your daughter can organize her time (which is an important adult skill) and gets some input on what is a chore and how important it is (which allows her to build other adult skills) and she wont get interrupted that much (which to you doesnt feel that way but her story looks probably very different). 57 Killer Conversation Starters So You Can Talk to Anyone And they tend to be very very very sure of what counts as racism (nothing they do/say, of course), with an overlay of you should be grateful I am nice to you to wrap it all up. Indoor Cat raised some good points. The kind of situation where someone finds out you are free that evening and then says, Good! One of the costs of challenging social rules is that it makes it harder for people to learn them. LW is pretty clearly not talking so much about people making casual small talk as people being roundabout manipulative. Ok. ( This simple expression embodies the fact that you don't give a f*ck!) You can be annoyed by a wide variety of people forever. 30 Best Bumble Prompt Answers for Guys (with Screenshots) - emlovz I think the ideas people are getting at is that sometimes people want to reject an invitation not because they have plans but because they dont want to attend. Theres an important underlying truth here that I think we all have trouble with: We are not required to answer every question put to us. Its a way of saying I enjoy spending time with you in a general sense, but without any plans to actually do that. HUGE, HUGE, HUGE numbers of parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, and its designed to make the adult child respond to powerful guilt buttons installed by the parent and capitulate to what the parent wants, because the adult child is programmed to believe if they dont have a good enough excuse, they have to go attend on the parent at the time in question. In my case this is always 100% true because unless I literally have my calendar open in front of me I do not know what I am doing at literally any time on any day. She got like that by working three times as hard as everyone else and being three times as smart as everyone else. I think a more appropriate reaction would be to apologize once, politely, then go away and process what I did wrong by myself. morning (and then bending my ear the whole way up the road, when if we were alone Id be chatting to my kids, and we quite like that) to the point where the doorbell would go and my kids would be saying oh god no, not them again! and Im shushing them, but feel exactly the same way. Or else, Id rather people not start a conversation unless they have something specific to say, unless its somebody like my sister who I know well enough to talk about nothing and enjoy it. Which is why weve all learned to use our words, though it takes some learning and there are still occasional misunderstandings. Me: Yeah, Ive got some stuff I have to get done. They are called Saturday and Sunday." - Anonymous 3. Folding the dishes. This way, you are always busy when those people ask. Him: You must be doing something. Thank you. But it can still be frustrating to deal with. my mother does this. If the asker tends to demand stuff from me, Im likely to claim Ill be busy. But it puts me on edge every time I hear it. 26+ Funny Responses to Being Asked on a Date (Replying Yes or No) We all walk the kids to school together and she started calling in at our house every. Helen Huntington already explained it very well. I know its a common question and Im sure most people dont mean anything bad by it. To pretend that it wont have a cost societally. Its a conversation starter, and its my choice whether I continue the conversation by answering or by reflecting it back at them. Ive had trouble with that one, too. Maybe shorter comments go through immediately but longer ones need mod-approval? Its really not you, its them. Thoughts When He Texts "What Are You Doing This Weekend?" - Bolde Cousin Charles is having a party, and I think it would be good if you showed up.. And making things even harder, so much of this is tonea chipper Why do you ask? to the above question is a soft deferral, whereas a flat Why do you ask may be offputting in a way that leverages a cost. Eventually I got consistent work as a freelancer, something I could do from home even when I was in pain or needed oxygen etc. It sounds like he'd get into some fun and adventurous dates. But its all about context, and thats not the context the LW is talking about. No, it had just been earlier that very day. I too have found that nobody seems offended if I respond with a cheerful: Why? Without answering their question at all. You always say Im working on my crochet projects this weekend. Just because at that one time it wasnt true doesnt mean that her reaction was irrational. The Captain covered it with saying the question isnt going away. 1. Work it like a weekend warrior! Or autistic natives; I know this one intellectually, but I still have a lot of trouble remembering in the moment that its usually not a real question, and Im also unsure how to respond when I do remember, because I dont like lying, and Im well/fine is usually a lie for me. These guys then hope the girl will then respond with relating a fun anecdote, to which the guy will respond by asking a question or two to keep her talking, and then hell think, Great! (And if you are Susie, forget about it!). The same is true for both indirect hinty inquiries like doing anything on the weekend? and direct invites like Are you available for X chore/ Y funthing Saturday between 2 and 5? Or noncommittal responses like dunno, maybe or definite responses like I will make time for a few specific fun things within specific timeframe, otherwise I am unavailable. None of these is universally rude; any/all can be considered presumptuous, pushy, passive, or otherwise inappropriate to specific circumstances or relationships (and fine/desirable for others), and any/all may result in added difficulty/danger if they are spoken to a person who has the ability to cause problems if displeased, and are not what that person wants to hear. Im glad for the above scripts! Your friends and family will get off the phone with you and wonder why they aren't grabbing life by the horns the way you are. Not making it a big moan-y you alwaaays ask that! just an in the moment, you know were close enough that we dont have to do this dance sort of thing. 5 Better Responses to "How Are You?" Than "Busy" - The Muse And with some people it is pretty transparently a question with the subtext of let me mooch off of your free time and/or the things you do in your free time are stupid and wrong. 86 Funny and Flirty Responses To 'How Are You Doing?' - Monk at 25 (Im a lady dating ladies btw, if thats relevant, though I have also dated men before and my experience is definitely colored by some of the emotional labor / potential gender-related danger issues some of the commenters pointed out thats spot on). Look who is talking. A party people pop quiz so to speak. This realization is making me like Tuesdays more.) Ive spent some time in California and I never really know how to respond correctly. Another is that people your daughters age and under have grown up under a level of surveillance never before seen in the entire history of the human species. What is the stuff?? For me, laundry is a good excuse, because you can make it seems as small or as big as youd like. (This one will definitely keep them guessing.) And in my experience, parents of adult children dont assign their childrens plans (and wishes) the same priority as their own plans (and wishes). I miss you though, can we plan dinner soon? And I have a date Saturday, but I would love to get a phone call-catchup on the calendar if youre freemaybe Sunday afternoon? (These examples are all people I want to spend time with I also use a lot of swamped this weekend! or are you busy?). I think this is an expected thing for women to do. Like, say you pretend to take up crochet, and designate working on my crochet projects/gifts as your backup plan, and so when people you know are assholes about this ask you have the backup plan. It feels like a lot of just Use Your Words advice is setting people up for a shock when they realize that their coworkers or acquaintances are offput by it. Its like theyre trying to help you come up with justifications for saying no before they even ask you the question. good response to "What are you up to tonight?" - reddit And the balls in their court if they were actually trying to set up something fun. They help us tons, just because they love us and were family. Next week, tell me how it went? And then make myself a note to specifically ask about it. 3. How am I right now? Which I guess was appropriately scary for the season? That would feel like a very odd response if I were making small-talk with the question. You? You would think, right? When its done as the pre-request, I get really annoyed that the person wont just ask me directly. I can see how doing anything on thee weekend is small talk, but that would only count if the person is someone you are not on visiting terms with, like most of my colleagues. I dont think there is the slightest thing wrong with wanting something in the way of rent for the houseroom and resources she takes up. Feeding a giraffe. I know it is super common usage as a general term for silly / disorganised but its actually an ablist term which a lot of people with disabilities have had thrown at them as a slur. I read that post all the time. If I always have to be the one reaching out, that can feel either like the emotional and planning labor are being taken for granted, or like they dont actually care whether they see me. Its aggravating, but it makes sense. Mittens and I can primal scream together. *Both of which are also used as shorthand for all the things you need to get done before you can do the thing you actually intend to do, which is often an accurate description of my evenings. ***I realize some people do not have strong preferences about things I have read the CA letters about this very subject and sometime it is okay to say you dont have a preference, but it never hurts to actually engage in the decision making process instead of just dumping it all on another person. In a lot of cases I dont think its meant to be manipulative, its just a verbal tic. Im relearning advanced math as an adult because it seems fun and Im bitter that I grew up in an atmosphere that discouraged me from learning. etc. One of my friends always answered (very cheerily): Dont know! If those people have sufficient ability to cause difficulty or danger if they are displeased, it may not be advisable to say to them but not because it it rude; because those people cause problems when things dont go their way. If you have people in your life who you trust not to get offended at this exchange, definitely give this method a try. When exercising the advantages of a perceived difference in class or power, however, refraining from using or responding how are you? is an old patrician tactic designed to keep the interlocutor in her place. That is a question I ask a lot, but its aim for me usually isnt to exepect that if they are not doing things they will be free for whatever I want. They may want to squee about something exciting, or vent about something theyre dreading, but theyd feel rude unless they ask you first. in a family meeting you decide that father empties the dishwasher, daughter cooks on weekdays, mother cooks on weekends or whatever) which also lets her develope that skills. And then if Im busy (in truth or not), I can say, Oh sorry. But more often we talk about their kids or grandkids or the cute hat theyre wearing or the wedding theyre shopping for. If they really are trying to manipulate you then Im afraid having just the right words wont fix it you will probably have to say no directly when they finally get to their request. Its all back to the lines of dominance and power again. 3. 2, They ask assuming Im also from somwhere else, prepared to bond over that and my answer is almost always a small dissapointment and Im never sure quite what to do with that. I have a colleaguestraight white well-employed middle-class-raised Christian cis man, so about as privileged as you can get in Americawho opts out of a lot of what he considers to be optional social stuff. Yes, this. You'll hear it regularly in speech, and people actually might think it sounds funny/wrong to say "Well.". Do you feel obligated to help hosting her party when she wants to invite her people over? Might I suggest a they or a xie, my friend. Add me as another one for Why? or Why do you ask? Because Ive discovered the people who ask what Im doing are usually people who want to ask me to do something they know I wont want to do (usually. It can be all consuming, leaving no time for askers invitations or request, or totally flexible and cancellable if there is something you would like to do. So, it's important to read the situation and know how well the person asking you out will respond to a little joke. (Im looking at you, mom, and you too, aunt.). You are doing things and going places. Its technically true and covers pretty much any emotion you might be feeling. And do you trust the asker not pull a But you SAID you were free, that means YOU PROMISED!(for me, someone who puts pressure on/pouts/lays on a guilt trip after I say no to an invitation gets an automatic LOL NOPE FOREVER response. If its as specific as Thursday, thats true, but I find when its a larger stretch like the weekend or the holidays its just as likely to be an attempt to get to know you and learn about your hobbies, interests, routine, etc, and find out if you have anything in common/have a life they find interesting/etc.